Life these days...

I've had an idea rolling around in my head that I still don't know is fully developped but I'm going to post it anyway. I wrote earlier about getting our final decree of adoption and it's still sitting out on the dining room table. Every time I walk past it, I look at it and just shake my head. For something so small, it sure carries a big punch! :) When we show people the papers, we laugh and say it's the "million dollar signatures".

The realization that we are finished is still sinking in. We've had several people ask us what is next. My answer to them and everyone else is...nothing. The past 2 years have been hard, to say the least. From August 2006-June 2007, Sean and I lived in a world of many unknowns. We didn't know when or even if the boys would be available to adopt. After the birth parents rights were terminated, we didn't know if we would be selected as the adoptive home. When that happened, we didn't know when the boys would move in. Just about the time we would get some answers or clarity, something would change and what we knew to be true would go very dark again. It was one of the hardest times but one of the best times. I experienced sometimes with the Lord that I hide very deep in my heart. I can't remember a time that I cried out to Him more and with such deep conviction. I learned what it meant to truly cling to His Word as truth. Sean and I experienced some times of prayer and worship as a couple that I wouldn't trade for anything.

On June 9, 2007, Zachary and Daniel moved into our home and we began the journey of learning how to be a family. Sean and I were already so attached to them but it was a very surface level emtion. I hope I can explain this in words...When the boys moved in were were still legally their foster parents. Even though they weren't ever leaving us and we were going to adopt them, we were still foster parents. There is a tremendous amount of paperwork and documentation that is required of foster parents. Everything is very mechanical and almost textbook. We were told what the expectations were and we followed. As we began our new life together, I started to allow myself be identified as their mother. Some of the fears and anxiety began to lift...to a point. There was still a part of me that needed to have the adoption papers. I needed to see that there wasn't anything that was going to seperate my boys from me. I realized that I had allowed myself to bond with my sons to a point. I just couldn't go any further. The risk was too great, the fear of rejection and disappointment was crippling. I focused so heavily on the system and the requirements rather than on the miracle of our family.

I'm not proud to admit it but it's true. I think a lot of adoptive parents go through this. I was really having a hard time with these ideas until about 2 weeks ago. I was driving to school and I was thinking about how badly I wanted our adoption papers to come. Very gently, I heard the Lord speak into my fear and it changed my heart. I heard Him say to me,

"Do you know how much I love you? Do you know how excited I was the day that you called my your Savior? Do you know I love it when you come to me and just rest in my presence?

I had to think about these things for a little bit. As I was thinking I heard Him again...

"Do you remember that day that you asked me into your heart? What did you have to do to believe that I was who I say I am? Did you have to have proof of my promises? Did you have to see my hand at work before you knew who I am? No...you came to me as a child with your child-like faith. You had felt my Spirit stirring your heart and you came to Me. You have always trusted Me..."

I almost had to pull the car over. It hit me so hard that I just cried. It's true that I've never been one of those people that had to have proof that God is God. Belief has always come easy for me. Faith is something that I have always carried. Why was now any different? Why was I so consummed with having hard evidence that my boys were mine? It's because I let go of my trust in my Heavenly Father. I have been living my life over the past 11 months in my strength, my abilities, my knowledge...

What does that mean for us/me now? I am releasing my children into their Father's hands everyday and trusting them there. I am asking God to show me everyday how to love them more than the day before. I want to be so in love with my boys that it hurts. I want to show them such love, grace and mercy that they can't help but know who my God is and will always be. I know now that the only way that I can show them that love, I have to have it in me. I have to be so crazy in love with my Savior that it hurts. I have to surrender myself before His throne everyday so that I can know His love, grace and mercy.

So, life these days is different. My house is still a loud crazy place with two little boys. There is laundry piled up, sippy cups stuck to the table, and marker on my furniture but now I choosing to live in joy and letting myself revel in the craziness. I am making sure that my boys know and experience everyday the grace of God...I'm making sure I know it too.