I should be asleep right now by my mind and heart are full. I've been in to check on my precious little guys a few times and every time I see their sweet faces I have to give God some praise. He did an amazing thing when He brought us together as a family. I never knew I could love two people more. I've heard people say that the love for their children was so intense at times that it hurt. I get it now. Last night Daniel and I were comparing the color of our eyes to each others eyes. I told him that his were the same color as mine. He got very close to my face and looked straight in my eyes and said, "Mommy, I see Daniel in there." Oh...how I love that boy! I squeezed him tight and told him that he most certainly did see Daniel in there. I also told him that he was in my heart too. He very quickly said, "No, that's where God is." That precious, hard headed, stubborn blessing of mine HAS been listening! Thank you Lord for these sweet boys of mine!
Yesterday was the last day of school for Zachary and I. I think that's the reason that I can't sleep right now...I'm still coming down from a very crazy, wonderful and most difficult year. I think I can safely say that this has been one of the hardest years yet. I had 19 wonderful students that I loved seeing everyday. It wasn't necessarily the class or the subject matter that was hard, it was just life. For a reason that I've yet to figure, the Lord and I have gone around and around each other this year. He has brought me to my knees in complete despair and at the same time lifted me up to receive amazing recognition. I sort of feel like this year was about humility. When I think back on this year, I remember that I had to spend a lot of time on my knees. Just about the time that I was feeling strong and ready to tackle the next "big thing", the Lord would allow something to come up that would take me right back down again. In the fall it came in the form of bronchitis. This past spring it came in the form of a very stressful and difficult testing season.
I've spent some time writing out my thoughts and reflections from this year and as I was reading back over it I found the lesson. I'm beginning to realize that what the Lord wants from me is total, complete and absolute humility and submission. I realize that sounds like a no-brainer but call me a slow learner. This is hard to say but I realize now that I've struggled all year with pride. I have always been a very high achiever in my classroom. I prided myself on giving long hours to planning and preparing my lessons. It seemed like this past year, the more I worked, the less happiness and satisfaction I felt. The Lord allowed me to see that seeking the recognition of my students, their parents, fellow teachers and administrators was empty. There is never going to be enough.
I also struggled with extreme guilt that I wasn't being a good mother to my boys. I can't remember the last time I cooked dinner, cleaned my house, did laundry or went for a walk with them. When the guilt would get too heavy, I would let things at school slide and try and focus on being a great mom. I wanted to show everyone that I could be excellent at both...motherhood and teacher. Let me just say that I can't.
This has been a very difficult and painful lesson to learn...one that I am still learning. The Lord is showing me that I can let go of somethings at school and it'll be alright. I don't need to seek anyone's recognition but His. He is also showing me that my boys love me for who I am as their mother. All they need from me is to see me stay rooted in His Word, show love and healthy submission to their daddy and be an example of God's love for them on this earth. I don't have to "be" or "do" anything to be great in their eyes.
When I was living at home, my dad would always challenge us to use the end of a season in life as a time to reflect and ask the Lord to teach and reveal something that we could carry with us. I'm going to take away some spiritually bruised knees and a much needed wounded spirit. I'm going to take myself to the Cross this summer and allow the Lord to do a much needed overhaul. I'm going to hug my boys everyday and find joy in them like never before. I'm going to reconnect with my amazing husband and celebrate 11 wonderful years of marriage. He's been the rock in our house for several months. He's put his needs and interests aside for the sake of the boys and me and never once complained. How I love that man...
This has gone on longer than I planned! May you be blessed today...
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