For the past few days I have had an overwhelming sense that I need to write. I love to journal and jot down my thoughts and reflections. Going back over the years and looking at what God has done and where He has brought me is always fun. The other night I was getting ready to sit in a very hot bath and I couldn't get some thoughts out of my mind...here we go.
My sweet husband and I are celebrating almost 2 months of our "new" marriage. If either of us had not been willing to listen to the Holy Spirit and submit to His leading, we would be divorced right now. It is so strange to even say THAT word...divorce. It is sometime hard to believe that we were about to walk down that road. I can only testify and say that my God is a BIG and mighty God.
My boys are growing so fast. Daniel has been sitting in "big" church with us lately and he is full of questions. He was very interested in the baptism a few weeks ago and wanted to know why "no one is in the water" again. So sweet. Zachary is finding more and more independence. He wants so badly to be "big". He asks about loosing his teeth and wants to know why he has to do homework. I don't have the heart to tell him it only gets worse! Ha!
My amazing husband has just finished his first month at his new job. He LOVES it. I can see him learning and growing. It makes my heart happy. The way he even got this job is truly another testimony to God's provision and faithfulness. The biggest change I'm seeing in Sean is the confidence and joy that he gets from knowing that he and I are now partners with our finances. I don't care what anyone says...there is a reason that God made men with the need and desire to work and provide. My family and marriage is a living testimony to what can happen when the balance of work and provision is out of whack. Thank you , Lord for bringing balance back into our lives.
I find myself taking much deeper breaths. I was talking to a very dear friend of mine and I was telling her one of the biggest lessons that God has allowed me to learn over the past year. I told her that I realized that I am much stronger than I realized and that I can stand on my own. I confess that I have lived so much of my life in fear and worry. I used to fear being alone, not having my family, failure...the list could go on. Going through marital hell has taught me that the very things I feared the most are truly NOT in my control anyway. And that when these things were not in my control to begin with, I do have what it takes to stand up and walk through life. I don't know if that makes sense. Let me try again...my fear has always centered around somehow loosing control and failing. The failure would lead to disappointment and then more failure. I don't believe for one second that it was "God's will" for Sean and I to go through a seperartion and nearly divorce. But I do think that He allows things to happen to use as a tool to prune our hearts. I came face to face with my fears of failure and disappointment and realized that God is still there...I can still stand...the morning comes and there are "do overs."
I've gone on long enough...I'm talking a deep breath and remembering that God is in control, tomorrow is a new day and I am loved.
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