I had an "ah ha" moment this week...

I've been thinking on something since Sunday. I've been thinking about the idea of baggage. Not the kind that is packed and taken on a trip. I'm talking about that invisible kind that seems to hang around through life. It's the kind that pops open during the most difficult moments of life and all the ugly contents spill open for any and all to witness and examine. The kind of baggage I'm talking about is the emotional kind that weighs me down and keeps me from experiencing all that God has for me. It hold me captive and in bondage. It's time to unpack.

This idea came to me during church on Sunday. The youth were sharing about their experiences from youth camp and the idea of carrying around "life's baggage" was a big theme. Several of the kids shared that they had allowed God to speak into their hearts and show them the baggage that needed to go. It was so humbling to see kids share what the Lord is doing in their lives. I was sitting pretty confident in myself and my "baggage free" existence until the Family Life Minister started talking. He presented all the parents with a challenge. He asked if we were putting any of our own baggage on our kids. Ouch. The movement of the Spirit in my heart at that moment was a little prickly.

The conversation went something like this...

"So...you think you're baggage free, huh?"
Can't talk right now, Lord. I'm listening.
"Really? How about listening to me. What about that bag that says "AFRICA" on it? Want talk about that one."
Uh...no. That's just a little hand bag. We've already been through it and there's just a few little things in it. It's fine for now.
" Okay. How about the one that says "INFERTILITY". That's a pretty good size bag."
Hmmm...that would take a little while. It is a little big but I've managed carrying it all these years. Besides, I've got my boys now. Sure, I'd still love to have a baby and my heart still aches at times but I don't have time to dwell on it because I've got Zachary and Daniel.
"Well...you leave me no choice. We're going to talk about that foot locker over there. The one that says "FEAR". It's time to unpack."

That was just the beginning of the conversation. It was at this point when I heard the Family Life Minister say, "Parents, are you putting some of your baggage on your kids for them to carry as well?" Ouch, again. What was just a little prickle from the Spirit was now a piercing that burned. Then it hit me. I realized that Sean and I have been so preoccupied with making sure that our boys had all the love, security, confidence and laughter they could handle and we completely neglected ourselves. Rather than pouring myself out at the Cross and making sure that I live my life "baggage free", I've been trying to live in the moment and in my own strength. I can't expect my boys to become the men that God desires them to be if I don't teach them how to unpack their baggage at the Cross while at the same time I'm carrying mine. On top of that, by not unpacking my own emotional bags, I take the chance of dumping some of my own bags on them.

I know that Sean and I are not going to get this parenting right every time. I know we are going and have messed up at times and wish that we could go back and do things over again. But I think I'd rather spend the time at the Cross asking God to pour His grace and mercy out and know that we've done the best we can than to do it in my own strength. I'd rather spend some time now unpacking my baggage so that I can spend the next 15 years raising my boys out of bondage. They've already been given some pretty big bags to carry around...they don't need any of mine. I need to be set free so that as they grow, I can help them unpack.

So...here's to unpacking.