unchartered territory...

Today has been a DAY!!  Whew...it never ceases to amaze me how Satan knows exactly where and when to strike.  I should've been more prepared and "suited up" (Eph. 6)  I came home yesterday with so much peace and a deep renewal of mind, body and spirit.  I get to school today and within the first hour...WHAM!  "Thank you, Lord that you're my Strong Tower and my Rock.  You never waiver and are constant."

I am trying to process everything that has been on my mind and heart.  It has been so long since the Lord and I have traveled so intensly together.  I don't have the words to say how much joy I have right now.  Even on the really rotten days, my heart is feeling full.  My marriage is healing and my love for my husband continues to grow and grow.  My children are thriving and the weight of financial crisis is slowly lifting.  As the burden is lifting, my heart and mind has been able to journey with the Lord into unchartered territory.

For so long I have proudly said that I am a "working mom".  When I became a mother, I very quickly discovered that there is no such thing as a "working mom" and "non-working mom"  EVERY mom is working!!!  But, for the past 13 years, the majority of my working hours have in the classroom.  These years have been wonderful.  As public education goes through the highs and lows, I have always said that I am blessed to work as a public education teacher.  I have never regretted my decision to be a teacher.  When I got married, I knew that I was also called to be a mom.  Sean and I had many conversations (before and after the wedding) about whether or not I would be a "stay at home" mom.  I was very clear with him that I would work when we had kids.  Then the struggles to have a baby began.  The longer it took to grow our family, the more I questioned my stance on working outside the home.  Once our family was created, I knew deep down that I wasn't ready to stay at home with our boys.  Don't get me wrong, there were many times of feeling guilty that they were at daycare for so many hours.  But when push came to shove, I wasn't ready to sacrifice my job as a teacher.  I knew I wasn't ready to live as selflessly as we would need to and make some touch choices.

Today is different.  It has been almost a year since this conference took place.  Zachary and Daniel have grown so much and made so much progress.  But...it seems like there is so much further to go.  We will meet with Daniel's team again very soon.  We will look at his growth and discuss what to do next year when he starts kindergarten.  That is just the surface stuff.  What is happening in my heart is something totally different.  For the first time, I am at a place where I would make the sacrifice.  If someone said to me that I had to choose between my career and my children, I would walk away from school in a minute...at not look back with any regrets.  Never in my life have I been as peaceful as I am right now when I think about not being a full time teacher. 

So, I am asking for prayer.  I am asking that the Lord show Sean and I the direction our family needs to take.  Ask Him for wisdom as we make decisions for our sons.  Pray that no fear would settle in our hearts.  We want to be able to make the decisions and know that it is the Lord that is leading.  Pray for my heart...that I will not let exhaustion, frustration or a desire to escape cloud the Lord's voice.  But above all, give Him praise for the journey and thank Him for the unchartered territory.