On the other side of the table...

I've been pondering this blog post for awhile now. At the beginning of this year, I told myself that I was going to be more honest and transparent. I was going to embrace whatever season the Lord has me/us in and not be ashamed to testify. Oh...how those words come back to me. I've hinted from time to time that Sean and I have been asking the Lord to give us wisdom and discernment in some matters involving Daniel. We are always praying for our boys but there have been a few things concerning Daniel that have needed an extra amount of attention.

As I started to write down my thoughts, there were so many times the fear of disapproval would stop me. I've struggled my entire life with the need to please. I'm a textbook definition of a "parent pleaser". In my adult life this has manifested itself as an "authority pleaser". Over the past few years, I've worked very hard to let go of that need. The Lord has allowed me to see that my need to please has taken over my spiritual life. The difficult days that my marriage has had recently and the journey through infertility has been a huge wake up call. I've seen how I have put human expectations on my relationship with the Lord. I have lived my life thinking that if I "pleased" Him, did enough to make Him "proud" then He would bless me. That is SO wrong. There is nothing in the Bible to support this thinking.


So with knowing how my brain works at times, you can see why it is so hard to share my thoughts and feelings and reveal that we have "problems" too. There have been times that I have wanted/needed to share my heart with other moms and ask for help. Sometimes I just need to know that I am not alone. Being a parent is hard work. Being a parent of BOYS is hard work! :) Our boys are wonderful and I know God created me to be their mother. But even in that statement, I have fear that creeps up in the deep parts of me. As someone who struggles with the need to please others and appear to have it "together", it's so hard to come to a point of saying "I need help." That fear is compounded when I need help as a mother. The fear goes even deeper when I think about what people will say when they find out our boys are adopted. Satan has spoken his lies into my heart and for a time I have believed them.

"if anyone knows they are adopted the boys will always be looked at as the bad kids"
"if you talk about their adoption too much, you might loose the connection with your boys."

So for a long time I have been fearful to share anything but the really "good" stuff. The pleaser in me doesn't ever want someone to look at my family or my boys and think for one minute, "ohhhh...they're adopted." Like it's some big black mark on them that will forever be used to judge and evaluate who they are. We all know that the world can be a very cruel place. Knowing what could possibly await them as they move out into the world, I have caught myself being overly sensitive. I've worked really hard to make sure that my boys are extra polite, extra well behaved, etc. I've worked to make sure that they didn't do anything that would cause someone to ask too many questions and judge them because of their past.


But the other day, the Lord grabbed my heart and hasn't let go. After Zachary and I had our talk about our family, I began to really think about what really happened that night. For the first time, Zachary was learning that he has a testimony. He was hearing his mother testify to the miraculous way that God brought our family together. Zachary was seeing and hearing the testimony of how his father and mother prayed for him before we even knew him. He was seeing that we hold no resentment or ill feelings toward his and Daniel's birth mother. He was seeing his mother stand very confidently in her position as his mommy. He was hearing his testimony. How can I be ashamed of that? The Lord has shaken my heart and is showing me that I cannot sit quietly and try to hide who we are. Everytime something happens or someone asks a question, I have to opportunity to share how God worked in our lives. If I try to hide or do anything to shield my boy's testimony, it is no different than me hiding the fact that I am a Christian. As their mother, it's my job to make sure they know their story so well, that they can't help but be proud of it.


With that being said, tomorrow I will sit on the other side of the table. I will sit at a meeting with about 7 other people and we will make some decisions for Daniel. We will make some changes that will allow him to get some help with his anger, impulsivity and overall behavior. I will sign some papers that will "label" my child in special education. I've sat at this table as a teacher many times. But tomorrow, I will sit at that table as a parent. I will not be ashamed or embarressed. I will not feel that I am being judged as a parent. I will sit there proudly as Daniel's mother and know that we are doing the right thing for him. When I put him to bed tomorrow night, I will pray for him as I always have. I will thank God for his life and precious spirit. I will ask the Lord to show Sean and I how and when we are to share with Daniel the testimony that the Lord has already given him.