It's not always pretty...

I've sat down at the computer so many times over the past few weeks and started to write what's been on my mind and heart. I get just about finished and then I delete the post. I delete it out of fear. I begin to think about the people that will read this and what they will think of me. The fear of disappointment, judgement and gossip over takes me.

But then I remembered that this blog is really for me. It's a place where I can put down my thoughts and know that I will have a record of the way the Lord took care of things. This blog is also for my sons. I have written down so many stories and testimonies of our life as a family. I want them to have these stories so that one day they will be able to read and know how much they were loved, prayed for and cherished. I also want them to be able to read and see how their parents worked through the exciting and yet exhausting preschool years. I want them to be able to know that there were some days when my heart was so full, I didn't think I could contain my joy. But there were also days that were so dark and the responsibility of being a parent was so huge, I didn't think I could take a breath. They need to know that their father and I love them more than life. They also need to know that marriage is wonderful...being able to share life with the one person that the Lord chose for them is a true blessing. But they also need to know that it is also the hardest thing they will ever commit to.

I am learning that right now.

Sean and I have been married for almost 12 years. We had a whirlwind romance and engagement. From our first date to the day we were married, was 9 months. We had known each other for a little over 3 years but weren't dating until later. When I look at our wedding album, it's hard to believe that it's been 12 years. I can remember all of it so well. Overall, I would say that we've had a good life. We've had some hard days as we journeyed through infertility but we somehow managed to cling to each other and the Lord. During the painful years of trying to have a baby and not being successful , Sean was always so supportive. He would listen to me, let me cry, and always offer whatever I needed in the moment. As we began out journey to adopt, he was just as strong. When our family came together and we became parents, our focus was completely on our sons. The Lord chose to bless us with 2 of the most precious little boys. I couldn't have asked for more amazing children. They make me laugh on a daily basis. They challenge me to be a better person and yet accept me for who I am all at the same time. I know with all assurance that I was put on this Earth to be their mother.

So, what's the problem now? The problem is Sean and I...our selfish, sinful natures. For the past 7-8 months, the Lord has allowed mine and Sean's marriage to go into a very dark place. We have had some extremely difficult days. Our marriage has been pushed to a point of nearly breaking. We have both planted our very stubborn feet and not been willing to listen. When I say that our marriage has been so close to ending, I mean that very literally. I'm not proud of what we've said to each other or some of the choices that we've made recently. But, I can say that every day that we wake up together and start a new day as a married couple is ALL because of the Lord's grace. I know that to be true.

I've asked myself so many times how did we get to this point. We were both raised in very strong Christian families. We have the same beliefs, convictions and life goals. We both made the commitment to our marriage and family very willingly and joyfully. What happened to bring us to the point of nearly throwing it all away?

Priorities.

When I became a mother I was thrilled beyond words. I had desired it for so long and I couldn't wait to start loving my sons and raising them up in the Word. My prayers had finally been answered and the hole in my heart was filling. I was so determined to be the best mother I could be that I slowly stopped having my time with the Lord. The Word says that Satan comes to "steal, kill and destroy". The problem is that most of the time he doesn't do it in big, grand or obvious ways. Luke 8:12 says that the devil comes to "take the word from their hearts so that they may not believe". For me that came in the form of fear. As the responsibility of parenting began to take root in my heart, I didn't keep myself rooted in the Word. I didn't keep my mind on the promises of God that I knew to be true. Consequently, the Word that I had feasted on for so many years was choked out. In its place was fear, anger, selfishness, an unloving spirit and all around bitterness. The one person that I took it out on was the one person that I should have been joining with...Sean.

Thankfully, my God has so much love for me that I can come to Him and beg for his forgiveness. He is ALWAYS ready to hear and draw me into His embrace. The sermon this past Sunday reached down and grabbed my heart. I have been wrestling with the message since. The verses that were used are very familiar and I know I have read them so many times. But this time was different. This time, the Spirit pealed back a part of my heart and the Word brought new meaning.
"Therefore, I urge you brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer you bodies
as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of
worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be
transformed by the renewing of your mind." Romans 12:1-2

Here's what I heard. Everyday I have the opportunity to wake up and offer myself to the Lord. I am to present myself to Him and be ready and available for whatever He asks of me. That doesn't just mean being available to sharing my faith with the outside world. It also means sharing my faith with my husband and children. As a child of God, I am to renew my mind in HIM and not conform to the patterns of the world. Patterns of being fearful when jobs and financial security are threatened. Patterns of finding fault in my husband and talking about him to my collegues. Patterns of walking out of a marriage when it gets hard and scary. It has to start with me. It starts with taking back the ground that Satan's lies have occupied in my mind and heart. It means taking God at His word and living in the joy that I say I believe in.

This life that we have isn't always pretty. It isn't always easy. It's hard. Ugly. Frustrating. But it's also full of love...peace...joy...hope that comes when I live my life in the presence of my Heavenly Father. I'm going to start with that and trust the Lord to handle the rest.