my birthday blessing...

     Exactly one week ago I turned 35.  It was a quiet day with many cards, hugs, well wishes and words of blessing.  Many times throughout the day, I caught myself thinking about the fact that I am now...35.  In some ways it feels no different than 25.  But then I take the time to think back on my 25 year old self and I cringe.  It was not pretty.  I was a mess of insecurity, anger, fear and overall self loathing.  My heart was desperately trying to hold onto the past and my idea of the future.  I was living under the delusion that I could hide my feelings and what was the reality of my life.  The lies of satan were mighty and the stronghold that held me was fierce.  The voices of my mind and heart would remind me that I had been taught to trust the Lord and He would give me the desires of my heart but let's face it...that wasn't happening.  I was holding onto my past hurts so fiercely that I wasn't about to be disappointed again.  The sting of being told that I would probably never carry a child (without medical intervention) was still too raw.  I was mad at everyone...myself, my husband and most of all my God.  You see, I was wrapped up in another little lie that since I had lived my life as "the good girl" then I would be blessed.  I had followed all the rules and done everything that I had been taught to do. (or not do!)  Life was supposed to be easier, better, brighter...what had I done wrong?  How could I fix it?  What do I need to do to polish up my home, marriage and self to make sure no one knows or sees the broken me?    
     It's fun sometimes to imagine what God must be thinking when He sees His children acting out.  In all His glory and wonder, He must sometimes sit on His mighty throne and just shake His head.  What was my 25 year old self thinking?  How I got myself so wrapped up and tangled up in those lies is beyond me.  Thankfully, God reached down and rescued me.  He grabbed my life and my heart and through only His love and power was I able to break free of those lies.  It wasn't a pretty battle and there are certainly some scars but I can look at them and remember that it was for His glory and my good that the battle took place.  Standing on this side of redemption, I can see that it was for my own good that my 25 year old self had to walk through the trials. What I have finally come to realize is the bottom line...it isn't about me.  The infertility wasn't about me.  The financial issues and marital strains were not about me.  It was ALL about Him.  Every bit of it was a means to an end.  The Maker of Heaven and Earth was and IS so deeply in love with His people that He will use any and all means necessary to bring the world to Him. 
     This very thing was burned into my heart last week...on my birthday.  As I was getting ready to go home, I felt a nudge in my spirit that I needed stop by and visit with a friend on mine.  She had mentioned a few weeks earlier that she and her husband were considering foster/adoption.  She and I visited for over an hour.  She had many questions and I gave as many answers as I could.  I was able to tell her about how the Lord brought our boys to us. I was able to give her some words of wisdom about how to navigate the adoption waters and maintain your marriage.  The more I talked, the more I felt the Lord's presence. As I drove home, the Spirit peeled back the veil of my heart and allowed me to see something BIG.  First, I realized that the fact that I am more in love with my husband today is nothing short of a God sized miracle.  Believe me when I say that God is still in the miracle business.  Secondly, to be able to hear two little boys call me "mama" is something that only my God could have done. 
     As wonderful as those things are my Lord wanted me to see something even BIGGER.  This was the day that I was turning 35.  Even though biologically I can still have children, the probability is much lower.  To some extent I would say that my child-bearing years are over and yet I was feeling no sorrow...no regret...no anger.  I had just had the opportunity to testify to what my God had done and it was GOOD.  Every tear was accounted for, every moment of disappointment and anger was washed away.  The message was clear.  Everything was and is for His Glory.  The next thing I knew, this song was playing on my radio.  Listen and be blessed!