Tears

I had an experience this week that started Tuesday night and finally came to a head last night. It all started with a tornado. All day Tuesday, it was gray and humid. The weatherman reported that there was a chance for severe weather sometime late Tuesday afternoon/evening. Well, it started raining around 10:00 that morning. It rained all day. At around 5:00 it had slowed down to just a light drizzle. My dad and I were outside in their backyard checking on things when we noticed the cloud formations in the sky. WOW! I have never seen rotations like that. It was amazing to see one wall of clouds moving one direction and another wall of clouds move the opposite way. My dad suggested that I head home. Good plan!

As I was sitting at home enjoying the end of Dancing with the Stars result show, (Sean was on his way home from College Station) the weatherman suddenly broke in. There were funnel clouds spotted in my parent's town. When I saw the radar map on tv, my pulse picked up a little bit. I called my parents and my dad said they were fine. About five minutes later, the weather comes back on and the tornado was head straight for my house! I called Sean and told him I was heading for the bathroom with pillows and blankets. My parents called me and I told them my plan. As I sat in the bathroom praying for safety and peace, my mind wasn't completely on me. I was thinking about the little boys "S" and "T". I was thinking about what I would do if they were here with me right now and Sean wasn't home. I was thinking about what I would do if the tornado touched down near our house. After about 20 minutes, the storm passed and our house was spared. As I returned to the tv, I saw that the storm was headed straight for the foster parents house.

The feelings that came over me were so real yet so new. For the first time I felt like a worried mommy. I sat there looking at the map wondering if they would be safe. I knew that their foster parents would take great care of them but it wasn't the same as if it were me. I felt completely helpless. Unfortunately, I didn't take the time right then to pray for their safety. I let myself get worked up and scared. I let myself think about what would happen if we didn't have them with us. That was the beginning of a great opening for Satan to attack.
The attack came on slowly and stewed for three days. It finally came to a head last night. I called the foster mom at around 8:00 pm to see how their evening had gone. They had taken the boys to see their little sister. She lives with her guardians. There was also another couple there. They are friends of the guardians and they want to adopt the boys as well. The foster mom told me that they had a wonderful time. I could hear "S" in the background laughing and singing in the car. She told me that the other couple had started working on their foster license this week. Her last comment was "let's hope they(CPS) make a placement before they are licensed." Wow...I wasn't ready for that. As I got off the phone with her, I walked down to their room and sat in the middle of the floor and cried. It was a gentle tear down my cheek kind of cry. This was a fetal-position-sobbing kind of cry. I cried out to God through my tears. I cried out that He needed to do something. It was in that moment that I realized that was having a field day with me. I had opened the door for him to come in and whisper lies and half truths. Sean and I spent some time in prayer and just claiming the promises of God that we know to be truth.

What have I learned from this week? First, I've learned that the same God that created the heavens and the tornadoes, created me. He knows every hair on my head and He loves me so much. I've learned that God can handle my tears. I been reminded of what an amazing husband I have been blessed with. He is strong when I am weak. He holds us up when I can barely hold up my head. I have also been reminded that God knows all and sees all. He is the One who placed a desire for children in our hearts. He is the One who has lead us to adoption. He is the One who brought "S" and "T" into our lives. He will be the One who brings our family together.